Beautiful Beyond Belief

How to Bounce back from Setbacks and "Bad" News

Oprah talks about how she faces setbacks to students graduating, she makes some really helpful points to consider take a look about how we can bounce back and steps we can take in a more empowering direction.

Bad news and setbacks is there such a thing?  Of course, you might be saying.  Well, I believe it really depends on your perspective and your beliefs.  Tony Robbins is well known for quoting that “what you focus on expands”, so whatever we keep thinking about  will grow, we will draw that into our day to day experience.

The concept of good and bad is interesting.  My belief is that there is no such thing, although I do believe that there are good and evil forces (from a spiritual perspective).  Mainly I consider that the obstacles we perceive in life are not what we think they are, in fact they are more like considerations.

 We get an opportunity to consider how we are going to think or even rethink, an experience or challenge and if we are wise we will firstly understand the life lesson ie how we can apply it to our lives and those around us effectively, and use it to develop our character, skills and in the service of others.  This way it becomes less about our experience and more about the bigger picture, and we can use the experience to empower rather than dis-empower us.  It's up to us, if we want to stay stuck we can or we can focus on the real reason we are here which is contribute, to make a difference.  Everyone then gets to benefit from our experience, and the price it has cost us personally.

Thinking this way helps us realise that none of our experiences are “bad” if we choose to use everything we go through in a productive way.  One saying I like is that "there is no failure only feedback".  We look at the experience and decide to take the value from it, rather than dwell on the past, hurt, anger the resentment, disappointment, shame, etc.  We get to decide how we will use it to be in our personal power or to remain a victim to circumstances and our past.

Lately things have been challenging in my world, and it has required that I really deepen my understanding of everything I think, do and become. I'm getting an opportunity to take a deeper look.

Life, is always teaching me lessons, if I am willing to get honest and really look for the answers.  It often takes deep courage and determination, even letting go is a process of surrender, it takes discipline of our habitual thinking, listening to our bodies signals and tuning into our heart intelligence and spiritual nudges.

Although the challenges are there, underneath them I feel a still assurance and an excitement because I know that change is happening and for me that is encouraging, not always pleasant though!

So what can we do, in the here and now,to help ourselves through this process?

1.    If you feel sad, angry, whatever it maybe, allow yourself to feel those feelings. It may not manifest in an obvious way.  It could be that you have a headache, a stomach ache, tense muscles, a pain in the body somewhere, finding that you are irritable, less patient, unable to concentrate, less inspired or lacking drive/energy, negative self talk etc. 

These are signals that something emotional may need clearing.  One way is to have a good cry, punch a pillow, get those feelings out or talking the feelings through with a skilled person, who can really listen to you, not just give you well meaning advice or share their personal stories and problems.

Try to avoid distracting yourself with other things like, food, TV, alcohol, over working, complaining etc as these things may work for a while but become less satisfying and rewarding as we are ignoring the real issue, the unresolved feelings. 

If this is an emotional habit for you, a way of coping, and it's hard to avoid these things, start being conscious of your choice and what you are feeling, and if you do eat some food, or zone out be aware of it, and rather than overeat, allow yourself some time, food etc but avoid being unconscious about it.

The saying goes "feelings buried alive never die", and will probably surface in another way,so you get an opportunity to deal with them.  However you have a chance to move beyond any unconscious or conscious denial, to release them.  Perhaps you are used to suppressing your feelings and letting things out maybe hard. If this is you, you are not alone, it is common, as we have been taught that expressing our feelings is often unacceptable, wrong, we may feel misunderstood and that those around us don't know how to help us effectively.  If you think about it, it makes sense, we realise to keep safe, to receive approval, love and acceptance it is much less risky to suppress our emotions.  In the end though we pay a high price on all levels - Physically, emotionally, mentally, practically etc.

2.  Another way to approach it would be to find a private place, get quiet and allow yourself to connect with the feelings. I like to go out into nature, because there I feel more connected, and peaceful and it helps me remove the day to day distractions of being at home etc.  You may find resistance to this, if you do be kind to yourself and take your time. This is probably a new experience for you. 

I would suggest just trying it for a couple of minutes to start with.  This way it will seem easier.  If you find that you can go longer, great.  Follow what feels good for you.

If you can try again, close your eyes and connect inside to the feeling, allow yourself to focus on it, even embrace it.  What you will probably find is that the emotion will become less or even melt away. 

I found this really hard when I first tried it, I was fighting the process, even afraid to embrace my unpleasant feelings.  When I did I was surprised what peace, relaxation, and ease I felt afterwards.  My body felt less pain and my mind became much clearer and free.  It felt like a weight had been lifted and joy started returning.

It is a simple process, but very powerful.  It's also free, which helps!

3.Ok, another way to support yourself as the bible tells us is in '...Hezekiah...spread it before the Lord." 2 Kings 19:14 NKJV

Take some time to really keep calm and use your critical thinking to get clear on the facts of the situation.  What is really your responsibility and what is the other person's?  It maybe that you need to correct something you said or did, honestly expressing your part and if appropriate apologising for it, forgiving them and forgiving yourself.  Forgiveness sets us free.  This increases your self respect, cleans up the relationship, however the other person may not accept it or value it, still this is not our responsibility, just that we communicate clearly and in integrity.

Perhaps you may want to prayerfully ask, 'Lord, what can I do about this situation?' If you can do it for yourself, God won't do it for you. Joyce Meyer quotes: 'We cannot do His part and He will not do our part.' Faced with a well-armed, vastly superior force there was nothing Hezekiah could do to save himself. So he went to the house of God and spread out his need before the Lord.

When you respond in faith, a challenge becomes an opportunity for God to demonstrate what He can do on your behalf. Ask yourself, 'Is this problem really mine?' Yes, we're supposed to bear one another's burdens Galatians 6:2  but you're not supposed to let everybody dump their problems on you. Sometimes in our eagerness to rescue others we get in God's way when He's dealing with them.  What has God said about you, and situation? God doesn't respond to your need, He responds to your faith!

 

 

How to create what you want – the POWER in you PT 1

Does that sound good to you? 

I wonder what you think it will take, have you really considered it? 

Ok, so here is my experience so far – what I can share here.

The first step is really tuning into you. 

Yes, it’s going to take a little time and presence.

Although, if you are willing and your are ready, it is going to be very worthwhile. How do I know? 

Because I’m also in my own process of discovery too.

So what’s the first step to creating what you want?  It’s to KNOW what you want.  Ok another tricky question.  It’s probably the hardest question to ask ourselves, because we might avoid it, in case we don’t achieve it, receive it, it seems too hard work, weren’t not good enough etc  you get the point?

If you struggle to answer this question, then, ask a better question – how come I’m avoiding not knowing what I want?  That may well help you get to the source of your resistance or uncertainty.  If you knew it was possible what would you want?

Our job is clarity, getting clear, being honest with ourselves, and it being ok to want what we want.  The “how” the process really isn’t our job, that comes from a greater more powerful source than ourselves – my belief is comes from God, yours maybe the same or some other source like creation/universe etc.

So, as a starting point intentionally set aside 10 minutes per day, preferably at the beginning, to stop, get quiet and tune into what is going on for you.  I tend to get out of the house to do this away from distractions, this might not be practical for you though.  Start where you are at, make it as easy as possible for yourself to succeed at this one small step.  It’s about ignoring the chatter of your mind, you know about the kids, the house, the job, the stress, the demands, money, fears, worries.  Put those on hold for 10 minutes and let them fade away. 

Ask the question again, what do I want, then put pen to paper and write whatever comes to mind, if you don’t like writing another way is to speak into a dictaphone or on your mobile if it makes recordings and just talk, share your ideas and thoughts.  Some of it may be ramble, some may be enlightening.  Give it a chance, and try it for a few days at least. 

If you haven't done this before, it might feel strange, a waste of time, uncomfortable.  Whatever comes up for you, your feelings, allow them.  Avoid pushing them down, distracting yourself, saying it doesn't work, remember that this is a NEW way of being perhaps and so like any new experience that is different and maybe slightly uncomfortable it takes a little time to get comfortable with.  Give it space.

Take a listen to this video to start to open to your own infinite possibilities:

 

 

Feeling out of control? - take a look at your boundaries

Are you feeling out of control?

I want to talk to you today about boundaries in our lives. 

I like to share from my own life experience whenever I can, that way it’s not an academic exercise.

So let’s just clarify what a boundary is.  Think about it this way, your house may have a fence, it’s there to mark out your private space and you can choose who you let into it and who you don’t.  It also acts as a way of keeping unwanted people and things out.

So just as in life we might have a physical boundary to mark out what is and isn’t acceptable, we can also create boundaries in our life in other ways, e.g. in our relationships, at work, how we use our time, in our health and our finances etc.

It applies to every area of our lives.  Let me give you a personal example.  I recently moved house and I’m getting to know my neighbours.  Some are very thoughtful and considerate others, I have found, are not.  I had a choice to make, do I let things slide and say it’s ok for them to play their music too loud so I get very little sleep, or other anti-social behaviour?

I was clear on my boundary – this was unacceptable and so I had to communicate this to them assertively and compassionately to find a resolution.  I explained the situation and the consequences of not following through on their agreement.  Once we set a boundary it’s important to follow through, otherwise, just like when dealing with a child if we don’t, they disrespect us and think we are a push over.

The next day the same thing happened and so I knew that our agreement had been broken and I carried out what I said I would do.  It can feel uncomfortable doing this, still, I did it anyway. 

The result?  So far so good.  I was unwilling to be someone else’s doormat at the expense of my life. I realised that it was taking a toll on my work life, my social life and more important my spiritual life and the way I felt towards myself.

So your assignment is to consider where in your life you need to reinforce some boundaries?  Maybe you don’t have any boundaries at all in certain areas?  It might be time to start to put some in place. 

Consider what they might be?  Remember as you start to put boundaries in place others are not going to like it and accept it joyfully.  It will mean a change to their life and you will meet with some resistance. This is normal, expect it and you will be able to manage how you respond to it.

The result though, will be more freedom, more joy, it will enrich your life, your relationships, reduce stress, give you more time, and productivity in those areas of your life.

Don’t delay, start today and take back your life!

 

 

 

Playing a bigger game - The Power of Clarity and Purpose

Do you know what you want?

What is your definition of a beautiful life I wonder?  Do you really know?  If you don't how will you know what direction to go in and when you have arrived?

These can be challenging questions, partly because we often don't know the answers. 

If we don't know what we want, we may be unconsciously heading away from the direction of our destiny.

We may think it is about money, material things, and that's certainly part of the picture.  It allows us choices, to live a life of reasonable comfort,personal freedom and pleasure.

When we get beyond the material then what?  It can satisfy us at some level, but if we are really going to live rather than exist beyond our own self absorbed needs, it's probably going to take more of us, more effort of some kind to become aware of what our REAL needs are, what you really want and compelling reasons to make the effort to go and get it.

We're driven by our emotions more powerfully than our intellect.  We are hard wired through our emotions.  So it's important to understand them, to understand ourselves.  Our emotions are part of our resources available to us.  If you are determined enough you can always find a way.  Emotions create action, we become motivated by the WHY we have.   It's not a logical decision, it's what it means to us - how we feel about the decision we take and the outcomes we get, it gives us either a positive or negative experience.

Then there are the beliefs that underpin what we want and they drive our choices. Listen below to Tony Robbins view on clarity and purpose:

 

Maslow (in Psychology) talks about the hierarchy of human needs - how we have different levels of needs, starting at the bottom with our basic needs of shelter, food, clothing right up to self actualisation.  So it's important to understand ourselves, what drives us, what fulfills us:-

Firstly, so we know what they are and how to meet those needs in a healthy way

secondly we are self aware enough to see when we get out of balance and also how we can meet the needs of important people in our lives (parents, family, partner, bosses, clients etc),

and thirdly how we then look at using what we have - our talents, gifts, personality, resources to contribute to others to help others, rather than just being driven by personal gain.

Reaping and sowing is a universal law, just like gravity it works every time, what we give out we receive back - so it's important to become aware of our thoughts, actions, and intentions because we are sowing these into our future. 

So where do you start really know what you want?

The first place is to get really honest with yourself. Strip away the noise, nd activity in your life for a while.  If you find yourself resisting this, that's telling you something, perhaps that you won't give yourself the space to do it, other things are more important than taking sometime out just to think and look at what is important to you, rather than just going through out lives without any real direction.

I know because I avoided this too.  A busy life allows us to hide from ourselves, what we really want, because we may be e.g. afraid of failing, or being disappointed if it doesn't work out.  Perhaps there are financial or personal demands on our time and resources which we have committed to and feel trapped.  Maybe there is fear about "how" to even start, it can feel overwhelming and too difficult, especially if you have been putting off your "life" for a long time. Or maybe you just think it's too late, don't have the energy or even the desire anymore - it feels like more hassle!

One thing I do know is "we all know what is really true for us inside" when we allow ourselves to really connect with it.  However much we choose to ignore it, push it down, make noise to cover it up, pretend it's not there - that constant small voice inside never goes away.  It is our ever present companion which never gives up on us, it is in fact our greatest friend, always loyal, always wanting the best, it won't be ignored, it will tell you the truth even when, you can't tell it to yourself.

What's it going to take?

To become aware - to wake up to what we may have been ignoring.  If you have trouble just managing the basics of life, it maybe hard for you to really quantify what you want, what would make you happy, inspired, fulfilled etc then some time finding out will be a helpful first step.

One of the first steps it to decide:

Make a decision - it's powerful, a decision to take your life in the direction you really want to go in,  it's ok to decide without always knowing  all the "how's".  That comes later, waiting for everything to be perfect can paralyse us, keep up small, and safe.  You may not know the entire picture right now, that's ok, if you want to get in contact with what you want it's enough to start the process.  Be open, be willing to allow your desires to surface without judgement, without necessarily having all the answers.

Clear Intention - even if you don't know the how or the way once you understand what you want, commit to it and get clear about your intention.  Covey in his book "7 Habits of highly effective people" talks about  knowing your outcome, or  "begin with the end in mind".  When we are clearer about the end point we want it's easier to plan, connect with people to help us, work in that direction etc.  Rather than approaching each day without direction.  Obstacles will come of course, these though are considerations rather than things to stop us, because we are clear about the result we want.

Trust - it's going to take trust, inside you know what it is you were destined to be, do and have.  Only you know, no one can tell you, but others can help you to connect with it. It maybe difficult to start to trust yourself because it is new for you to allow yourself to try,  it's about trusting your gut (not your fears or our limited minds). 

Our minds are to be used,but not dominate our experience, we need to integrate all our intelligence to help us make good decisions.  This includes our mind, heart, and our gut (some call this spirit).  Each of these organs have thousands of nerve endings with their own intelligence.  The institute of Heart Math has done extensive research on the heart and they explain that our heart has literally it's own intelligence separate from our brain. 

So staying connected to both our mind, our body and our spiritual intelligence really helps us make good decisions, rather than relying on things from the neck upwards.  If this is a habit for you, then it's something to consider changing.  Why not use our bodies different intelligence, separate from our mind to help us understand ourselves?

Direct your thoughts - we have on average 60,000 thoughts a day, so choosing your thoughts is vital, focus on what you want and being intentional with the choices you make.

Courage - it is a given that once you start it's going to feel different, and probably uncomfortable at some level.  Remember driving a car for the first time? You really wanted to do it, were excited about the freedom it would bring and open up a whole new world of possibilities, but going through the pain of learning and feeling discouraged was part of the process of passing the test and gaining independence and future opportunities.  It's going to take some guts, I say do if afraid anyway. 

Determination - you are going to need to hang in there when it feels tough, this is where most people give up or start procrastinating.  It might feel too hard, but anyone who has done anything worthwhile sticks at it when others give up.

Honesty - being prepared to look at yourself and even the parts you may not like in a loving and non critical way, start to become more self accepting and willing to recognise where change is needed.

Forgiveness - you may need to forgive yourself and others in your life.  When we genuinely, deeply forgive from our hearts it free's us up, we step out of our emotional prisions - like a bird that flys out of its cage.  It is healing and more powerful than it appears.

Get grateful - being grateful on the journey can sometimes be a hard one.  When all the circumstances of your life don't look too great, it can be hard to feel grateful.  You might feel like asking "be grateful for what".  It's taken me a long time to understand this and I have to continue to work on this area of my life.  Being grateful when things are good is easy, it takes no effort. However when you are taking a risk, stepping out, doing things differently and the challenges come - that is when the rubber meets the road - can you still feel grateful?  For me I start with small things and get excited about those because if we can't be grateful for the small things how do we expect to receive more?  Don't wait to be grateful, get busy being grateful and watch the opportunities, and blessings flow into your life.

Be a giver - giving is essential if we want to receive.  You'll need to get clear, what you want to give and how much you want to give of yourself, time, resources etc.  Plan your giving, create a boundary, listen to what is right for you, it may not be totally logical and that's ok.  Having a clear idea of what you want to give helps to create respect and boundaries (when giving to others of time, emotions, effort).  It prevents resentment and frees us up to feel joy in the process of giving.  Giving opens windows of opportunities we could never get by design.  It brings joy and love into others lives that is beyond material satisfaction.

Playing a bigger game, stepping up - Clear the Clutter ideas Part 3

So how do you start to take back your power? 

Firstly you might be interested to know that Oprah Winfrey is exceptionally organised, one of her professional organisers Peter Walsh says how impressed he was and how seriously she takes it.

Take a listen here about his tips for the home:

Highly successful people are usually very organised, or have others who organise them.  They understand the value to their life in all aspects, work, home, relationships, finance, time etc.

Here are a few ideas to get you thinking outside the box I promised you.

There are tons of resources that give us the tools for organising I want to address our motivation, emotions and mindset.

1.  Firstly become aware of your areas of clutter.  Is it emotional, physical, mental or something else?  Get a handle on it, become clearer and more conscious of your thoughts, feelings and how they are associated, behaviours and actions.

 2. Decide how you would like things to be different – how would you prefer your life to be?  What would being organised bring to your life, get clear on the benefits, understand WHY you want to be organised – it’s vital that it is compelling enough to pull you through when you get started and feel resistance.  It’s helpful to write it down, and even have a mental picture of what the end goal would feel like, sound like, bring all your senses to support you to make it compelling.  Get clear on the meaning for you.

3.  How would being organised support the other goals in your life?  Or even your vision if you have one? 

• Would it mean that you finish those qualifications which would increase your income? 
• Perhaps you finally feel able to write the book, ebook, course or other project you have been putting off. 
• Maybe you take yourself, you career, business, relationship goals more seriously and start creating the success you REALLY want
• Or maybe you will feel less stressed with more thinking space,
• Or you can develop your relationships more because your home is welcoming 
• Take time to consider what it will ADD rather than TAKE from your life and others around you – everyone gets to benefit then and it becomes not just about you but others in your life

4.  Stay in the moment - this helps prevent getting overwhelmed.  Get clear, take one area you need to work on, break it down into small steps, and just do the first step for today.  When that's complete do the next step.  Avoid trying to do the whole staircase or you will never get going! Start small, get results, allow yourself to enjoy them and this will build confidence and motivation, and self esteem. 

Professional organisers suggest taking a task, just spending 20mins a day (use a timer) and work as fast as you can to clear some clutter that bugs you, keep it to ONE area e.g. if it's your home, only start with a room or one area of the room, don't try to do multiple rooms at once, you will feel like you aren't making progress otherwise.  Over a week that adds up to 2.5hrs, over 4 weeks 10hrs, which can create a real dent!

5. Create boundaries - in relation to the area you are struggling with.  If it's family talk about what's working and not working, create understanding and if you both need to compromise to create progress do it.  Work out what is acceptable to you, what needs and values are you violating that cause you pain, look to readdress these.  This really increases our self respect.

6.    Get practical, create more empowering habits to support your life towards what you really want, here is a helpful article about habits of organised people to get you thinking, and another quoting an article in "Oprah's O magazine which I liked, it summaries 11 pages from the article.  These habits may need to include all 4 areas, mental, emotional, physical and spiritual.  Do some research about area you need help with a get some support, the internet has lots of support, useful books etc, hire help, professional organiser or ask a friend who is organised what works for them and why.  What systems do they use that work?  Consider getting some coaching for practical and emotional challenges.

If you need more insight take a look here at these useful video's, the first is from a Psychologist's experience, she offers ideas to viewer problems.

The second is a series of video's about helping you clear your clutter in a week with practical tips, if you like the second video there is a series you can follow on you tube.  Both are worth viewing for ideas and inspiration to help with clearing out the clutter and some emotional and behaviour tips for you and the family:

let me know what you think and if you want some support do get in contact or leave a comment.

 

 

Playing a bigger game, stepping up - Clear the Clutter Part 3

When I mention clutter, I wonder what goes through your head and what feelings come up for you?

Does even the thought of it turn you off?

For lots of us it does, because we know that clutter is present in our lives, whether it’s physical, mental or even emotional – the good news is, that you are not alone, most of us have some form or other.

I raise this question because I have been having a serious purge and downsizing my living space and it has been really challenging me to look at all my attachments in my life.  I realised that saying I can let go of things and doing it are VERY different.   I’ve been noticing my attachments and letting things go.  This is freeing and empowering once you get past the “gunky” feelings!!

So, what has clutter, got to do with playing a bigger game in your life you might ask?  I remind myself that “organisation brings freedom” and I like to add “personal power”.  Being organised may be seen as being a bit square, control freakish, insecure, or even obsessive compulsive (when at extremes). 

Perhaps you are organised and efficient in a few areas of your life, e.g. you have a tidy office (or desk) while at home you struggle to get the paperwork, or cleaning under control. 

Maybe you are impeccably dressed at work, and struggle to get it together at home and socially.

Or, you have mental clutter, emotions are running your life and making your decisions for you. You're driven by them, rather than using them as a guide and making a choice about what is important. 

You may store lots of “to do’s”, or emotions in your mind  which is cluttering up your thinking, preventing you making solid decisions. 

When our minds are clear of clutter, we can really focus, receive opportunities we might miss, if we are so busy or in a mental fog. 

Life, becomes more simplified (although the challenges are there) we are able to handle life with more confidence and ease.  Being organised helps gain clarity, and ironically creates more security and ease as we can find what we are looking for, creates a joyful space (when keeping only what brings us joy and is useful), have clear thinking space for work and social time with family, relationships and friends, spirituality, health etc. It also provides space for the experiences we want, to come into our life all of  which is powerful.

"Nature abhors a vaccum" - so when we move things out of our life, it leaves room to bring in fresh, new experiences, and successes and positive feeling, it's  like the natural cycle of the seasons.  Hence the saying "out with the old in with the new".

Emotional clutter is often a form of protection.  When we have “things” around us it can literally represent a barrier, even a blanket of comfort and security. 

Often the things we keep hold of are sentimental from our family, loved ones, past experiences ; a job, relationship, event, or time in our life when we felt more joy, were younger or slimmer, and successful. By keeping these things, they act as reminders of happier times we might not want to let go of (at a sub conscious level) as this may be too painful.  

 Often we are not even aware that we are avoiding the emotions, we just get stressed at the clutter around us, which feeds into our emotional discomfort.  The root emotion can be fear, fear of letting go, fear of being responsible for the “now”, which may mean really accepting where we are e.g. owning our feelings of inadequacy, lack of feeling loved, past failures etc.

Once we “own” up to ourselves, honestly (we may have shame, sadness, hurt, fears, anger, guilt, disappointment) it opens up a place of inner acceptance where we are not blaming (ourselves or others) but taking full responsibility for where we are, and what we really want.  It's a chance to look at what hasn't gone well in our lives and where we want to make more helpful choices.

So where do you start to take back your power, that you may have given to your clutter?

In my next post we will look at some of the solutions, I've had to do it this way because this post was becoming so long, there was so much to share with you! 

So stay tuned for the Clear the clutter "ideas" I'll be posting next week.

 

How to play a bigger game Pt 2 - Loving and allowing ourselves

Here are some inspirational videos that spoke to me.  The first is about how we perceive ourselves and our progress, how to keeping moving forward when it might feel tough to do so. When we trust and love ourselves enough.

The second is a music track, about digging deeper within ourselves to be courageous enough to go after what we really want.  I hope they inspire you.

Loving ourselves

Are you ready to really love yourself?  Perhaps you are doing it well enough already, perhaps not?  So what are the signs of us not loving ourselves.  Perhaps it’s a physical thing, you feel a tension in your body somewhere, in your heart for example.  You notice yourself shallow breathing, not fully taking in life, bracing yourself from it instead.  Just notice your breathing right now, and take a deeper breath in to see if it makes a difference.  Often we can hold our breath unintentionally.

When we step up in our lives, we make a stand for ourselves.  We say enough is enough, you may be sick and tired of treating yourself badly, at the expense of others.  You may feel anger, resentment or a range of emotions about how others treat you, and yet if you are really honest with yourself (and it can be so painful to do this – I know) you are not really angry at them but at yourself for not being who you really are and not standing up for ourselves (or even holding onto past hurts which no longer serve us). 

Perhaps you feel you have been selling yourself short, not allowing you to be the best you can be, not feeling good enough, watching on the sidelines while others get on with their lives, because at some level we may not have the courage to do what it takes to embrace our lives.

I’m not saying that our past hurts, scars, feelings, fears, experiences don’t count or explain why we are where we are.  They are part of who we are, have formed our character, have deepened our empathy and understanding of ourselves and others, if we use them wisely.  Yet, burying our abilities, talents, gifts doesn’t serve anyone.  Being smaller than ourselves, ends up like a living death.

What I am saying is, that whatever our "story" is (our past experiences) we can get stuck.  This means we aren't fully being what we were designed to be.  Letting our past define who we are is like a false mask.  When we decide to fully allow ourselves to be who we are (warts and all, right now, no waiting to be perfect) we give ourselves permission then in that moment things can shift for us. 

We feel differently, we see things differently, our world starts to open up, opportunities, possibilities, our energy flows, our voice changes, our thinking and our words change.  People start to notice a difference in us and they react differently too.  Others are constantly responding to us.

We in effect decide to take back our own innate power, what we were designed to be, do and have.  As Tony Robbins says we can change in an instant, it doesn't have to take a long time once we commit.  By saying to ourselves "I am going to accept myself right now in this moment, even if no one else can".  It's freeing, dump the guilt, forgive yourself and others, put things right with them if necessary.  Be courageous enough to forgive, firstly forgive yourself and then the other person without expectations of being forgiven.  

If we put expectations on forgiveness and we don't receive it, we set ourselves up for resentments, something we would want to avoid.  The act of forgiveness  set ourselves free, is not conditional that the other person accepts it, just that you sincerely mean it and determine to do things differently.  In effect we are loving ourselves and that is a healing process.  It may mean doing some emotional work on ourselves, to support us, while at the same time moving forward not staying stuck.  Trust yourself, listen to what is true for you.  I encourage you to get whatever support you need to step up and in doing so, you bring your uniqueness and gifts to those who need them in this world.

Louise Hay says "loving the self, means to me to never ever criticise ourselves for anything.  Criticism locks us into the very pattern we are trying to change.  Try approving of yourself and see what happens.  You've been criticising yourself for years has it worked?"

 Mother Teresa "We must know that we have been created for greater things, not just to be a number in the world, not just to go for diplomas and degrees, this work and that work. We have been created in order to love and to be loved."

How to play a bigger game and step up in your life–Part 1

Are you waiting in the wings of your life never really getting off the ground?

Are you watching everyone else taking off while you are stuck?  It doesn't feel so good does it? 

Maybe there is fear and frustration mixed together?  Part of you wanting to take the leap or move ahead, the other too scared or frightened to risk outside your comfort zone.

 So what do I mean by play a bigger game, and step up?  At some level I guess you already know, in your gut it makes sense to you. 

I like to write from the heart, from what’s speaking to me, what may be personal or in my world, because I know in some way it must be happening for others too.  We are all connected, however much we may want to deny idea intellectually, to stay independent and secure in our own worlds.

I’ve found in my experience that playing bigger, literally means that I have to become bigger in my thinking, in taking more risks, emotionally, practically, financially, relationally – you get the idea.  It means being clear on what is vitally important to me, that is - not denying what is true for me, honouring it and trusting it despite others expectations (it’s not that I won’t consider others, but I endeavour to be true to myself, to stop denying and lying about who I am and what I really want). 

It's about expansion, giving ourselves permission to be fully who we are.  Not playing small, shrinking back - as being smaller than who we are, is not serving anyone, least of all ourselves.

How about you?  Does that ring a bell I wonder?  Maybe it feels a bit uncomfortable, if so, that’s a good thing, honest!  It’s just telling you to pay attention, it’s important information for you to take a look at if you are ready to. 

Timing is important, we need to be at a place where we can follow through, commit to ourselves, to what’s really true for us.  That’s going to take guts, probably more than you think.  The good thing is, that we don’t know what’s ahead, no one does, so we all feel the same feelings of uncertainty but just at different levels. 

If I had known what it was going to take for me to start my business, I might have thought twice about it.  But I didn’t know, I had ideas, but I didn’t really know.  That’s not something you CAN get from a book, only experience can teach you that.

That’s called a leap of faith, which I think is part of playing a bigger game.  So what do we need to do? 

Primarily it’s about our thoughts and our feelings, and along with that comes the practical steps, strategies, and plans to support us.  But if we don’t pay attention to our thinking and feelings the practical steps are either very hard work,  we may self-sabotage, or even become addicted to a way of being e.g. workaholic, which doesn’t really serve us, we are not really happy, but stuck in a rut of safety with our lives working at some level.  Our life though, is not vitally alive and fulfilling.

Here are some steps to get you thinking about playing a bigger game in your life, they are EASY, just to get you started:

1. See the bigger picture - listen to all the messages, insights, that come your way – pay attention – start to be more aware of your thoughts and feelings, and information that that speaks to you in your gut, top dismissing them.
2. Be willing to expand yourself and your life – stay open in your mind, body, and your intuition
3. Decide to fully commit to the next stage of whatever is being presented – stay trusting
4. Grasp opportunities which speak to you, even if they are a bit scary – be resourceful, the answers may not come to you as you expect
5. Be willing to see things differently – embrace new ideas, even if you know a lot already
6. Be generous and grateful – give where you can, always stay thankful, it’s easier sometimes to start with small things to create the habit.
7. Persistence – keep going even when it feels impossible, there is a tipping point, believe it.
8. Keep developing and learning – this helps with expertise and staying open
9. Be courageous – do whatever you need to do even if your knees are knocking
10. Take inspired action – take action daily, preferably something that gives you joy, the more joyful the better, if you can delegate the tasks you dislike do so, if not just decide that they are part of the next step to the things you do want.  It may be not be what you like but it is a step towards what you do want.  Keep taking action, don’t give up!

How about trying ONE step this week, consistently, e.g. start noticing opportunities you would normally dismiss and follow through.  Let me know how you get on.

If this blog has given you some ideas you would like to explore further please get in contact with me, I'd love to help you play a bigger game in your life.  More Parts to follow soon.

 

 

Don't Give up - only Believe

I wonder what you are facing right now that you are fearful about?

Maybe it's too hard to think about clearly or even painful to let your thoughts go there?

A spirit of fear can really grip and control our lives often to the point where we can become paralysed.

It may take the form of denial (avoiding our feelings and the circumstances), do you ever find yourself e.g. going shopping to avoid the stress, watching TV to blank out the feelings of stress, regularly relying on drink at the end of the day so you can unwind, or perhaps it's comfort eating which helps.

We may procrastinate about things we know we need to do, like balancing our cheque book, our accounts, getting on top of the paperwork or clutter around us, being assertive with people and our family, saying no, all these unfinished things can create mental and physical clutter.

Perhaps it is financial or relationship pressures that we just can't seem to face (because that would be like opening a can or worms - so we may feel it is easier not to face it, and look inside because we know that we have ignored it for so long, it becomes an emotional monster in our lives). So we ignore it hoping it will change, go away or resolve itself.

Maybe it's work, the boss, colleagues, or even your own business and the pressures only an entrepreneur can really understand, when we start developing a business.

We may secretly admit to ourselves that whatever the issue, it will never will be resolved until we have the courage to take a look and lift the lid. Otherwise we know that we will live a life half lived, in a semi-dead way, numb, bored and perhaps fearful at the same time.

We can spend money, time, energy, avoiding, soothing, placating, and trying to keep in our comfort zone, trying to keep safe and secure, that we never really live fully - we end up just existing, deep down we may secretly resent and dislike ourselves and others for keeping us that way.

Our health, relationships, home life, work life, and finances all suffer greatly as a consequence to differing degree's and we wonder, just how we got here? After all it never starts out that way.

So what are we to do?

It takes courage to press through our circumstances. It's not about "powering through" no matter what. I'm talking about something different. It takes courage to decide to look at what is painful and what you want to change. When we start to do this, you can bet, that things will come up to challenge us without a doubt. So it's helpful to recognise negative feelings and some resistance is likely to happen, and to be compassionate with ourselves about it is an important step in the process.

Anyone can give up, it’s easy, it takes no effort. We need to have a mind that decides and determines before we get into moving forward in our life and our challenges, that we know we can win in our circumstances, we may need to fail our way to success. Giving ourselves permission to do so is freeing, we give ourselves permission to make mistakes and yet still move forward towards our goals, dreams, future and our destiny.

If we keep moving forward despite our circumstances, it will grow our ability to handle our lives at a higher level.

1. You may not know what to do, the first step is to believe.

I know what I am talking about because I have felt many of the things I describe above. For me personally my faith sustains me when everything else feels like it can't. This creates a dependence on things that aren't material but that require that I believe in something greater than my own resources, outside of my own control. That doesn't mean that I don't act, take action, or get inspired to do things that move me in the direction I feel I need to go - quite the opposite.

2. Get Honest - My question to you is what are you believing in? What are you putting your trust in? Is it in your job, your boss or co workers, your partner, your family and friends, in your home, or even the "things" which you worked hard to attain? I just ask you to reflect on that question and listen to the "real" answer. We can easily kid ourselves that we aren't but if we take a closer look in the midnight hour it maybe true for us.

We need to be able to be really honest with ourselves, this is scary and can be painful, however we may be in so much pain that taking a look at ourselves is perhaps more freeing that we think, it may start to open a door to create change.

3. Get clear - are you clear about how you really feel, and what you want for your life? If not this is a vital step. If we are unclear about what we want and what we really feel then we cannot handle these needs and desires. I personally explored these feelings with a professional because I just wasn't able to process them or even see them on my own. Have clear intention for your life, when we do it creates momentum.

4. Be compassionate with yourself - it's important not to beat up on yourself, if things come up that feel uncomfortable, show yourself a little love.  Be kind to yourself, notice the feelings, without judging them.  It's a good way to show ourselves love even when things feel difficult.

5. Action is one of the antidotes to fear - when we act it moves our energy and it is a creative process. Often the thought of doing something is worse than actually doing it. We make up scenarios and pictures in our mind, a bit like short movies and often exaggerate the outcome. This creates stuck fear and we can freeze, and avoid doing what we know will help us as we fear the pain, mostly emotional pain.

Action Step: Take some time out for yourself and listen to what is speaking to you inside, agree that you will not make excuses, rationalise, or say "yeh but" - give yourself the opportunity just to listen to what is really bothering you without the reasons or excuses. No one else is listening it is just between you and your thoughts. Put these down on paper so you have something concrete, it's not just rattling around in your head. It maybe a group of feelings, like fear, panic, frustration whatever...put them on paper to get them out. It can be like a brain dump, you might be surprise at what you find.

Next pick 1 thing that is speaking the loudest, whichever area of your life it is. You are going to treat it like a project. So for example here is a statement that might reflect someone's situation:

My finances frighten me I daren't look at them, I avoid them and hope that my bills get paid, I am getting deeper into debt but it's too frightening to look at, I want to take back my power and change my relationship with money so it works for me, I don't work for it, it need to work for me. Today I am deciding and believing it will be different, from today things are changing.

This person has taken the first step to get honest about what they really feel and how they want their relationship with money.

Next - decide that things are going to change, you may not know how, that comes later but by deciding you set in motion a change in your mind and heart. Make a firm commitment. This way you empower your brain and all the forces of the universe to help you. Start looking out for the help you request.

Next - create a plan, sit down and start to map out at a high level the key areas that may need change e.g.

Emotinally - do you need support?

Practically - do you need support, what kind?

What daily habits can you start to create - start small with one change and do it consistently - consistency isthe key to change.

What can you do right now to change your situation - make a list e.g. tidy up the paperwork, balance cheque book, get organised, schedule time to do work, make it pleasurable. Every step in a positive direction starts to break the back of the issue.

What we are talking about it creating new habits, both emotinally and practically. So keep the plan simple and in easy baby steps. Under each heading you may need lots of small steps. If anything becomes overwhelming then break it down into a smaller step. This is called chunking, until you know you can take the first step. An example of the first step maybe "buy a notebook to create my plan". Saying to yourself "I'll just take the first step" is easier than feeling like it's too much effort to do the whole thing.

Just start with the first step and if that is all you can face, just do that, nothing more. The next day it might be to open the notebook and put down the categories, get the idea?

When you take the pressure off yourself you may be surprised how much easier it is and what actually starts to come out of your mind.

Finally - reaffirm your belief - give yourself some credit for taking action and believe that all circumstances are conspiring to help you not harm you. They are working together for your good, even if it might not feel that way. This helps to attract people, events, opportunities to you that you could never design yourself. When we try to control how things come to us or how we will get the help we seek, it stops it coming to us, often it turns up in a way that we may not expect, in a more creative way.

Remember believe, take courage, action and be honest with yourself. There will be challenges along the way however with support and determination we never have to give up. Anything of real value requires that we go deeper into ourselves, develop more character.

Here is another take on your beliefs from Tony Robbins - it might inspire you to really believe in what you want.

If you would like help with any issue I am running a new course which runs for 2 months and looks at one area of your life intensively, where we work practically and emotionally to support you in your most important area - please contact me for further details.

 

 

 

2 Ways to Transform the Ordinary into Extra-ordinary

Celebrate the ordinary

Being grateful for the small achievements can be powerful.  Celebrate the ordinary things that you achieve. 

This isn't about mediocrity I believe having high personal standards is important in creating achievement in our lives.

This is something different.  If you ask a crowd of people what was good with their day, they might struggle to come up with the answers, they might need to dig deep. 

On the other hand if you asked what went wrong, what were the struggles, the answers would probably be easy to come up with.

So it's just about noticing all those things we might take for granted and have been weighing heavier on our minds that we realise.  All those things that keep getting shifted from our to do list, onto the next day that we struggle to get around to.

So I'm inviting you to take an inventory of what is going well in your life. 

A good exercise:

• is to take a notebook and record all the good things that happen.
•  For example, maybe you want to increase your income and your mindset around money, abundance etc. 
• Ok, so take your notebook and note down every source of income you receive. 
• This includes small things like money you might find on the street, rebates, cheques in the post, discounts on goods and services, a free course, unexpected gifts, freebies in the post (like special offers, samples), refunds, an invitation to stay with friends, discounts on travel, a meal out, a free ebook, just start noting these things down, the description and the dates.

What this does is, it starts to record in cold hard terms all the goodness that is really flowing into your life that you might be taking for granted, or not even notice it.  It's a funny thing but we tend to notice the painful things in our life more, unless those wonderful things are bigger events where we formally celebrate them like passing our driving test, an exam, having a Birthday, promotion or selling out our products or services.

Here is a small example of the exercise from my own life:

When I did the exercise above I found it really revealing here is part of my list:

Received mentoring on a fortnightly basis

Received a free programme which I needed to trial in exchange

Spend two days with several friends

Created a coaching exchange with another coach for a few months

Received several valuable e-books

Received numerous rebates and credits

Received free home insulation

New free fridge

Received numerous free lifts to events

Received a free £2K course

Received utility refunds

Received numerous gifts

Received free 6 day business course

Received free vouchers and products

and the list goes on.

This proves where we put our attention and focus is what creates our experience.  It was powerful proof to me that focusing on what you have, not what you don't have really works.

Here is an example of how dealing with the ordinary things can free up our energy: 

I had been struggling to update my driving licence, so I recently applied for it, which took quite a bit of paperwork because some of my ID was missing and needed confirming, due to it being previously lost by another organisation! It was more complicated than I would like so, I ignored it for too long.

This little niggling thing had been at the back of my mind for ages, when it finally arrived it felt SO good! I know, I know I’m easily pleased. 

But I wonder what you are carrying around too? When I spoke with my friend about it we both acknowledged that celebrating the ordinary is an important building block for how we feel about ourselves day to day. 

I invite you to consider what you are celebrating in your life about yourself, what are you putting off and to take time to do the exercise above.  You could apply this to relationships, and other areas of your life. 

Take time to notice, decide to do this tomorrow, put it on your to do list and just start collecting the evidence.  I think you will be surprised at what you find.

Let me know how you get on, do leave a comment.